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Saturday, September 10th, 2011
2:54 pm
Just sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon drinking pinot gris alone and reading up on conspiracy theories. popping some popcorn and watching some taped episodes of true life. i do have somewhere to be at 10pm so there is that to mentally prepare for! argh last week at work drinks i was chatting with these 2 girls and then one is like "we're going home now...we're nanas and we can't drink like you!" (which is a bit bs as both of them are about the same age as me) but whatever. then they turn around and start inviting others to go to a bar with them. i'm like, i may be dumb but i'm not blind and deaf- you're still in my earshot! of course being non confrontational i just took a glass of wine to my desk and tried to play the same song on repeat on the mp3 player repeatedly and wrote in my journal. problem-solving! not really, but honestly, if you didn't want me to come with you just say you're going out to dinner or something and you already had plans- don't lie right to my face. that has been depressing me this week. on the bright side, i straightened my hair yesterday and got 5 compliments on it! it reminds me of when i was in high school and i used to count the number of compliments i got each day and called them something lame like "pieces of sunshine" or something. haha
work was fun yesterday though, we decorated our desks and then everyone was taking photos of the decorations and then i was zooming in on everyone's face and sending around the pixelated images of court, etc. i was actually laughing so hard i was crying. i was also rampantly using the phrase "nek minute..." youtube it and then you too can discover what this all means!

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Friday, September 2nd, 2011
7:22 pm
Why is making friends in adult life so hard? Why after finally feeling confident about myself do people still not accept me? Maybe I'm just too weird for most. I try to be nice and caring and show people that I'm both of these things but it always comes off rude I guess. I'll never have any plans. I hate that I'll never really have as good of friendships as I did at University again. I'm probably never going to live in the same places as those people. I'm never going to be able to call them at any hour of the day or night and be able to hang out. I feel like I'll never know anyone in New Zealand like that. My mom says it's because I'm American and maybe people don't "get" me here. Surely I'm not that hard to "get".

Blah. Just feeling down and lonely.

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Thursday, July 21st, 2011
10:00 pm - sensitivity chip
I'm feeling tired but I can;t go to sleep when I'm so busy stalking people's theknot wedding websites. I am actually obsessed with finding out who is married and having babies. Not because I want to do any of that but it's fun to watch people do things and have no consequences from them yourself. I think I'm lacking some female gene which makes me want to be proposed to. I cringe at the thought of being excited about this. Ideally, I would wish for Sam to take me on a Teddy Bear Picnic and then we go get married. And then Leah must come visit so she can be my maid of honour. Then we have a massive party. End scene!

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Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
10:48 am
Argh feeling really homesick lately. If it weren't for being madly in love with Sam and having the visa issues that go along with that I would high tail it back to America right now! Of course I have my job as well, which I love but sometimes I wish it was just easy to go back and have a visit. The bad thing about these thoughts is that they become so romanticized. I imagine going back and seeing all of my friends and having fun and getting settled into life so easily and quickly but that would never be the case. It's just easier not to think about it and get on with life and enjoy my time here. I think I'm getting better at enjoying the right now rather than stressing about what's next. Why is life so easy for everyone but Heather? (and of course Paris Hilton who recently claimed that anything bad that could happen to a person has happened to her..as if! )

OK, back to my enjoying country music and fantasizing sitting in Goodale park with some beers and friends in the sunshine...although that would never happen- I'd have to forgo either the friends or the country music haha

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Friday, July 15th, 2011
7:22 pm
I was feeling very high and mighty today after not drinking last night at our work function. While everyone else was hungover today I was feeling fine. Meh.

Then after work I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. He was going to one of my old coworker's leaving drinks and I debated joining him simply to have a catch up. I said "Well maybe I will join you for one?" He replied, "I'd prefer it if you didn't. It won't be very good for me." I could tell there was something dramatic happening with work for him so I guess fair enough- but it was just a weird thing for someone to say. Probably saved me loads of embarrassment though so I guess in the end I'm grateful.

Then for some reason I called my flatmate as Sam said he was heading out to dinner. I should have known this wouldn't be the quiet affair I was after- as he already had 10 people going with him but then was disappointed that I didn't want to come anymore. Also, one of the guys going I really can't stand. This guy just has a strong personality- but he's more rude than funny (as I tend to think of myself and my extreme personality...) Anyways, he was just trying to wind me up when I got home by saying that he was going to convince Sam to not go out with me later and then he took a scarf and was trying to tie my hands behind my back. I was telling him to stop and asking my flatmates to tell him but they just ignored him. Argh so annoying!

I don't know what all of that was about to be honest...

I've been sick this week so I'm in recovery mode. Hopefully having a bit of a dry patch. I need to sort some life matters out but work is going really well. I actually really enjoy what I'm doing but I'm not sure where I am aiming to go. I need someone to just tell me. Somedays I like being behind the scenes but others I want to be in a more social role. It's all very confusing!

That will do me for now...I hope Sam is home soon as I'm starving...!

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Saturday, June 4th, 2011
12:51 am
omg... my flatmates are having a loud party. good sleep is impossible to come by these days.

I had SUCH a good night until Sam came along and made sure he ruined it for me. That's not a good quality in a lover. wonder why I am always questioning things????????

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Wednesday, June 1st, 2011
8:59 pm
Why do teenagers think they know everything? And then learn the cruel truth 7 years later that they knew nothing? I remember telling Ryan at Applebee's that I was ready to start my post-high school life because I was going to be good at being an adult since I was so bad at being a high schooler. He just laughed and said "One day you'll wish you could be in high school" I told him that was crazy talk. But now that seems like a dream- living at home for free, having dinner on the table every night. WTF. Is anyone really good at being an adult? I would think even those who are rolling in cash living in the penthouse fucking models have issues. Everyone seems to have issues. Or maybe everyone is happy and I'm the only one is can't figure out shit from gold? I'd like to think the former and ignore that the latter ever existed.

Actually I take it all back. College was the best time ever. It's like you have only marginal responsibility- it's so easy to get out of everything: work "Hey boss, I've got a huuuge test that I need to study for!" class (don't show up) meetings (see class) and you can just float around getting drunk here and there, move on to the next party, drinks some of their free beer, wake up on someone's couch that you've never seen before, meander home and sleep all day, get in the car and drive to kent go see casey drink his piss, have a sleepover with his room mate, casey never talks to you again, go visit your middle school best friend, get drunk, drive home because you think you rule the world. stay in your room watching L Word for 2 days and then start to feel bad that you haven't been to work or class for a week because you didn't really care. Go see Leah and she'll tell you you're a rock star. and you actually are.

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Tuesday, May 31st, 2011
11:30 am - I wanna take you back to my house
I can't stop listening to Kids of 88! I won a trip to their show this past weekend in Akl- they flew us up with the band and then we stayed at Skycity. We missed most of their show because apparently it started at like 8? We got there at 9.30 and heard their last songs. We were having the raddest time with Sean and Phil getting pissed. We had a good night but it ended not good on account of my drunkenness/tiredness/uncertainty about life. So fucking lame.

I felt so negative yesterday. I have the most negative thoughts of anyone I know. Sam is the most positive person ever and I come and rain on his parade. I feel positive today though so let's hope that feeling last for the next 50 years or so. Feels good.

Work. I don't even want to talk about it.

How do people find it so easy to make friends?

I'm addicted to Gossip. I need more more more more.

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Friday, May 13th, 2011
10:57 am
I would like to be more fashionable. I am not a morning person at all- so generally my first thoughts are "I'm grumpy, I'm hungry, how can I con Sam into giving me a ride to work, I need to wear something comfy" This leads to me wearing some shit jeans I got when I was 16 with a T-shirt. Then I get to out of my front door and see so many fashionable Kiwi girls. It's like they don't understand looking like shit out of the house. This was a constant issue in Sydney where I thought backpacker meant you wore jeans and tees for everything- little did I know what a fashion-hub Sydney was. I was constantly feeling self-conscious about my wardrobe. But new clothes were so expensive!

I just need to get rid of 3/4's of my wardrobe- seriously- I still have clothes from when I was 8 years old! (OK- just a tee shirt I got for participating in the Spelling Bee- so not really clothes I wear!!) Then I need to buy investment pieces. Less is more- yes. But to me- an American consumer- more is more! I want 5 of these and I want them all in blue! They are only $3- why wouldn't I buy 5!?

Blargh. I need to be committed. as in to an institution. for mentally crazy and fashion-challenged! Here's to a productive weekend! Do those words even go together?

Blargh Blargh Eff!

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Thursday, May 12th, 2011
4:21 pm
Do you ever feel like life has become monotonous? Maybe you don't being a student again but when you were working were you ever so stuck in a routine Monday - Friday of go to work, come home, eat dinner go to bed, repeat? It's really brain draining. I don't think it's getting me down necessarily but it is making me question if I'm living the right life for me. Does everyone- even happy people- feel this way at some point? Or are people happy because they feel constantly stimulated by new and interesting things. I know that the recommended cures to this feeling are to have a hobby, do new things, etc etc but I just don't know what I'm into. I don't know what I like. I was feeling content with not knowing these things- and partially still do- is that bad? I don't know what career path makes sense to me but I feel this enormous pressure to figure out now before I'm too old and having to be one of those people starting at the bottom at 40. I've never really known what I want to do. I get this weird urge that I want to be a high school guidance counselor. I don't know if this is because this really interests me or because the one on Glee wore such cute outfits? Career issues aside I also have this feeling that I don't know if I want kids. On one hand kids would be fun and it would be nice to have a new distraction after my lover and I have exhausted dinners out, going to the movies, having friends over...I mean what really do you do with your 30's, 40's, and 50's if you don't have children? I guess focus on their career but I don't have a career I'm passionate about! I'm sure that's just the 25-year old in me talking...children feel so far from me! I just can't fathom spending all of my time, energy, and money on this person who doesn't appreciate anything I do! How do people do this?

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Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
4:18 pm - No apologies this time
I love Kickstarts by Example- it reminds me of being on Waiheke with my coworkers. I've changed my attitude to be happier so we'll see if that works. It's good.

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Thursday, March 17th, 2011
1:28 pm - "How to be more me"
Is life one big Quarter Life Crisis?

I'm beginning to think so! I was feeling so good for a while and now I just feel like a complete failure. I've failed everyone at work and they know it, I now know it. It's all just so disappointing and overwhelming.

But this entry isn't to complain about any of that- or rather what I do and do not agree with. I just need to keep my chin up and keep going, keep getting better. I think I'm smart enough to get through this and eventually get to a good spot again but only time will tell. I need to be mature. I need to keep work and play separate. I need to RELAX most importantly. Can you take a class on how to relax?

I just always feel like a tightly wound coil- there is always something worrying me and distracting my mind from being 100% present.

I think I need to Google "How to be more me"

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Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
9:28 pm - On children and holidays at home
I've been having such weird thoughts about children lately.
Like I'm obsessed with reading about people's children online. Like the hilariously adorable things they do and say and all of the happiness they bring to their respective parents. It really warms my heart! And then I met my good friend Amy's child last week and he was the most precious thing ever. And Amy was so good with him. She made it all look so easy. (Of course I know this isn't easy and she even assured me of this immediately after I said it) but it just seemed so nice to have a companion to feed yogurt drops to and have someone to share your Leapfrog learning cellphone with. All so lovely. Then I'm like- do I want a child? Definitely not now of course- I'm still in that life stage where waking up at 3pm and eating a few crackers counts as a day of healthy eating- but ever? Then today at work this woman's child was there and she is probably like aged 5-10- I'm not sure but she was annoying the crap out of me! She was truthfully not even near me but just the fact that she was hanging around the office all day was so frustrating to me and I was like "I will never have children!"

Blah. I have no idea what that rant was about. Or even if it qualifies as a rant.

I went back to America last week and don't recall much of it to be honest. It was like childbirth- at the time I was in so much pain and anguish over being home and then I got back to NZ and it all seemed like it was fun and I could do it all over again in no time. But I know at the time it was not so joyful. Whatever- at least I did not have to get my vag sewn back together after that experience. Cringe times 1000.

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
2:09 pm
Sometimes I'm just like how does everyone know how to be a girl so well? I like missed all of these classes or something.

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Wednesday, November 24th, 2010
9:33 pm - Pike River
I feel completely stricken with grief thinking of these miners and their families. How immensely tragic an event to happen- you really wonder what God's greater plan for these things is. So devastating- my heart really does go out to each and every one of those people suffering from this. Just looking at the photos of the men I couldn't keep my composure-why is life so cruel? May they all rest in peace.

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Monday, November 1st, 2010
10:34 am
I wish I could bury myself in a hole for a few days.

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Thursday, October 21st, 2010
2:31 pm - Dirty words, asteriks in for the vowels
Listening to the lyrics of Make Damn Sure makes me wonder if it is about kidnapping someone or something. And in the live version the man sounds like he will kill this person if they try to go away from him. Weirdo.

Long weekend ahead, I'm very excited! No plans as yet but hoping to at least go on a day trip somewhere. Samuel and I just get so lazy and we put things off and then its dark out. Poopy.

Went for cocktails with Snapper folk last night and had a lovely time! I had missed Gina. Usually I'm the only one at the table who is sniffing crotches but when she was around it made my heinousness seem decidedly less heinous.

We are moving desks at work and I have to sit next to the big boss now. I wonder if it is because I'm the worst behaved employee? I may misbehave but at least people know I'm getting my work done because if I weren't we would have no ads on the website!

Trying to be more professional but it's heard when you're a Heather. I miss Rick Malir being around to laugh at me prancing around in my cocktail dresses at work or make me find tractor photos for him. So I guess this is growing up?

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Tuesday, October 19th, 2010
3:11 pm - Fan Pickle
I just can't stop listening to this live version of Hey Girl by OAR. It reminds me of college but I never even listened to these people in college. My only OAR memory is of when Little Heather's friends visited freshman year to go see OAR in concert on Halloween and she was dressed as a Ninja Turtle and they got so drunk they couldn't figure out how to get to the concert so they missed it! At the time it seemed really far to go to PromoWest Pavilion but it would have been like a $10 taxi- surely they knew about taxis then? Whatever.

It's sunny today but it looks too windy so per usual I'm not going to leave my desk. The house is still a grossy mess and one of our light fittings rotted! Who knew things can rot so quickly? At least we don't have poop water dripping from our ceiling like Leah.

Soo tired.

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Monday, October 18th, 2010
12:28 pm - No storybook ending, just a fairytale of doom
What it is motherfuckers?
Need to get back into blogging because we know that's the only way I can keep track of my life and what I've been doing. This weekend was so fun- on Friday night we had drinks at work per usual and then went to St John's where I met up with lover Sean and some other coworkers. There was this amazing woman there who was so good at bringing the crazy- A mazing. We dance for a while at Tokyo Tea House- I kept hitting my head on the ceiling because I'm too tall. Katie and I met this man who invited us onto his Navy ship and I just kept squeezing his pecks because they were so insanely large while Katie flirted with him. He obviously followed the GTL way of life. I was pretty wasto so I went home with Samuel and some man named Blaire who I yelled at for littering. This Blaire man came into our house and sat on the beanbag and immediately passed out. Like seriously wouldn't wake up! So we just left him there and when we woke up in the morning he was sleeping awkwardly in a sitting position on the couch. He had also peed all over the bathroom! I told Samuel to take him along on his way to work at 7am because I didn't want to have to deal with him later on.

Saturday I skyped with Bigum like all day and she caught me up on all the gossip such as Jena's wedding reception being held at a Mexican restaurant called Los Jalapenos and John Herwig dating some 32 year old Asian woman who has a child. Went to roller derby at night after being on time for once to ten past tequilas. These two men I worked with came along with me, Sean and his twitchy friend. Roller derby was good- was vagina-spotting with James and thankfully did not have any beef curtain sightings. Went to some bars, drank some alcohol- came home to find the house flooded and everyone upstairs too wasted to care!

Yesterday was depressed the Buckeyes won so I listened to fight songs on loop all day. Landlord was a total bitch- ate some burgers. poop on a stick.

P.S. Please buy me this for Christmas Samuel/Bob:

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Saturday, July 31st, 2010
11:18 pm
Life is so funny. Playing the cards you are dealt...funny. Dealing with things...weird. You grow up and realise things don't need to be so cut and dry, you don't need to put yourself in a box. You can live an interesting life and do interesting things and do them at your own pace. Life is so much more complex when you get older, there are so many options, life is so open. I feel good right now, very positive. Such a change from the last few weeks. Hello dear August, will you be good to me or what?

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