kaleidoscope. (pinkblink32) wrote,

I've been going online to write this entry for a few days now. But any time I had something I wanted to say it suddenly sounded fleeting or unimportant. It was as though I only had one chance to state my peace and if I fucked it up then it would all be a disaster. Kind of ridiculous. You wouldn't believe how many tweets and facebook posts I write and then delete before posting- it's like my words could possibly not be important enough to share. Or maybe I have a sudden fear of the internet- that people will know too much and that everything I post will be there forever in a sense.

Anyways, I was just sitting in bed, in our newly arranged room and thinking back about the last few years. Talking to Leah today I realised that I feel in the exact same place that I did just over a year ago on New Year's Eve. We went outside for some air and I broke down my entire life and how I felt about things- I wanted answers. Of course Leah can't give me answers- when you're an adult you don't get directions or an itinerary of how things should be done, you just get encouraging words. Encouraging words don't help the indecisive...I guess that in the way that I am still in the same house, job, situation, etc it is true but I've just come to the strange realisation of how grownup I've become inside my head.

I feel more sympathy for others, more lee way for people wanting to live their lives differently to mine. I feel less judgmental of the choices others make. I feel like I can finally take responsibility for my actions and try my best to make them right- instead of the former of course, which was to make up excuses and lie through my teeth. I just want to be a good contributing member of society. How boring is that?!
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