kaleidoscope. (pinkblink32) wrote,
kaleidoscope.
pinkblink32

Limbo

I'm sick of being stuck in this limbo world that I'm currently in.  I'm trying so hard to stay positive about the whol thing but it's hard.  Feeling like you are literally starting from scratch in a new place really sucks.  I remember laying in bed watching TV in June and thinking that that was one of the last times in 2015 where I would feel truly comfortable and have everything I need at my dispsal.  That was before we sold almost everything we owned, cleaned the fuck out of our house, packed up the few bags we could take, said goodbye to everyone who we have been surrounded by in the last 7 years, and then set off for America.  We got here, planned our wedding, and then just literally hung around my parents' house for 3 months.  I dreaded the whole job hunt and apartment hunt so much that I tried to avoid both for as long as possible.  The new year seemed a good time to tackle those arduous tasks.
Surprisingly, we found a great apt very quickly- everyone made it seem like our situation was just too dire for us to get a place.  So that worked well.  Now, the job hunt is just going nowhere.  A few good leads have popped up, but have since lead to nothing.  I feel panicked and depressed about it.  And I'm not even one of those millenials (Am I even a millenial? idk) who needs instant gratification- I definitely put myself as a patient person.  It's kind of at a point now where I just feel so despondent about the whole thing that motivating myself to do the hunt is too difficult and painful.  Mind you, I've applied for about 60 jobs that are rather niche- it's not like I'm looking to do something that everyone has the skills to do.
I just keep thinking to myself what a mistake this all was...which I hate because I am my choices and I make decisions based on how I'm feeling so second-guessing past Heather really isn't helpful.  How could I have left a place that was so perfect and great?  Sure, NZ was a GREAT place to live and I hope to one day return.  But if I stayed what would I be doing?  I wouldn't have stayed at my job, I couldn't stand it by the end.  Probably helped by the fact that I knew I was going.  I just had to get out.  The only alternative arrangement I regret that I couldn't persue was taking the job as an Account Manager at NZME.  I don't even want to go down the path of thinking that I made the wrong choice.
I'm here, close to my family, living in a city I've dreamed of living in for 10 years.  I'm with Samuel and I'm nearer to most of my friends than I have been in a long time.  I just need to keep reminding myself of what truly matters. 
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