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Thursday, May 24th, 2012
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4:23 pm
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I am feeling a bit of melancholy today. Feeling lonely and left out. Unmotivated and not much to do even if I were motivated. There was this work event that me and Court didn't get to go to last year even though everyone else was invited and we were sad and left out. This year Court is going but I'm not. To be fair neither are Steph, Joe and Tamsyn but it was never even really acknowledged. Stink.
Today is Sam and I's 5 year anniversary! This has nothing to do with my feelings of sadness by the way. I'm so happy with him- but he is in Auckland so we aren't doing anything tonight. I had been in a really good place lately so its disappointing that this is my second entry of the year. Future Heather, just know that I'm happy and trying my best to enjoy the youth while I still have it. Some of it anyways. I have strongly come to understand how much time goes so quickly and you wake up and wonder if you have savored it the best you could. You try to remember ever second of everyday but you just can't. And you try so hard that you make yourself unable to remember any memory. You wonder what you can do to make your life more full and memorable. How can we slow time down?
What is life but a collection of memories and soon you are erased from existence along with those memories. Why does this all happen? What are we trying to achieve? Lately I have been feeling so small, like I'm in the bottom of The Grand Canyon and I need to climb my way up and out but literally have no idea how to even begin.
I don't know, musings on a lonely Autumn Thursday afternoon.
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| Tuesday, January 10th, 2012
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6:50 pm
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I've been going online to write this entry for a few days now. But any time I had something I wanted to say it suddenly sounded fleeting or unimportant. It was as though I only had one chance to state my peace and if I fucked it up then it would all be a disaster. Kind of ridiculous. You wouldn't believe how many tweets and facebook posts I write and then delete before posting- it's like my words could possibly not be important enough to share. Or maybe I have a sudden fear of the internet- that people will know too much and that everything I post will be there forever in a sense.
Anyways, I was just sitting in bed, in our newly arranged room and thinking back about the last few years. Talking to Leah today I realised that I feel in the exact same place that I did just over a year ago on New Year's Eve. We went outside for some air and I broke down my entire life and how I felt about things- I wanted answers. Of course Leah can't give me answers- when you're an adult you don't get directions or an itinerary of how things should be done, you just get encouraging words. Encouraging words don't help the indecisive...I guess that in the way that I am still in the same house, job, situation, etc it is true but I've just come to the strange realisation of how grownup I've become inside my head.
I feel more sympathy for others, more lee way for people wanting to live their lives differently to mine. I feel less judgmental of the choices others make. I feel like I can finally take responsibility for my actions and try my best to make them right- instead of the former of course, which was to make up excuses and lie through my teeth. I just want to be a good contributing member of society. How boring is that?!
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| Monday, December 5th, 2011
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9:28 pm
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I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to be happy to "be" for a while. I'm going to not think about what is next, not be concerned about missed opportunities- just go to work, do my job, and not give it a single thought once I've left. Oh if only my relaxed evening self could knock some serious sense into my morning self- blargh.....
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| Friday, December 2nd, 2011
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10:04 am
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| Monday, November 14th, 2011
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6:35 pm - I've still got miles to go
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I love the passage of time- sometimes it feels like all I have to go on. That things will continue to change, there will be new opportunities to take advantage of, new people will go in and out of my life, new places will be discovered, and new experiences will happen. I know I've visited this topic many times before, worrying that I'm willing my life away always waiting to see what will happen next, but it just is a comforting thing to me. To know that when I'm feeling down things can only go up.
We're going to Florida this week and I'm excited that I'll be a new, relaxed person when I get back. 2012 will be my year. If not 2012 then maybe 2013. Blah.
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| Thursday, November 10th, 2011
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2:21 pm - Where to go from here?
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I've just found out that I did not get a job that I've been wanting for the better part of this year. This news has come as a bit of a surprise to me and now I feel a bit lost as to what comes next. As most of you may know, I'm a real planner. I like to have things to look forward to and be aware of what is coming next. So the fact that this is an unexpected turn in the plan of my life has come as a bit of a shock to me. Of course I'm not completely against things not going according to plan- the basis of my life today is thanks to things not going according to plan so I'm not entirely giving up on life or anything. It's just that it seemed in this case things would be much easier if all had worked out.
I'm trying to remind myself as well that throughout my life I have been blessed with great jobs, so hopefully my luck is not beginning to change. And as well, it seems, things have just happened without too much work or sacrifice on my part. Although my parents would agree as they have always found me to be hardworking, I think unless I were running 10 KMs uphill I would not see things as being difficult. Or studying organic chemistry. Or reading a book written in Russian. Blah.
What am I going on about? I guess when these minor speed bumps happen I tone things down a bit, focus more clearly on things and become a good person for a while. Then slowly I slip back into being the usual Heather that everyone likes to laugh at and not hire and the vicious cycle starts again. Where will it take me this time?
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| Friday, October 7th, 2011
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9:31 pm - Just kiss me before I go
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Everything is falling into place and life is going ridiculously well. How did I get so lucky?
I'm listening to Nightingale by Saves the Day on repeat. I did this as well on Sam's birthday after everyone had gone into town and I reflected on the insanity of the night and I laughed to myself and felt like I was in a new place that was safe and hilarious and amazing. I felt so warm and fuzzy and as though the feeling would never leave.
My new friend Alice went home for the weekend which makes me jealous. I wish I could just pop home for a few days like I used to...arrive home in the evening, play cards with my Dad and drink many wines, himself moving onto some cheap straight liquor from a plastic bottle. Then going in my pink room and exploring all of the relics from my past, staying up much later than I should sitting in the glow. I miss those times, they felt so comfy. Sad that everyone has to grow up and move on. What if we could live in one life stage forever? I guess the point of life is growing and moving on and making something of your life- but why do we have to? I suppose if you didn't you'd be stuck in Tuck Everlasting- everyone else is growing and moving on and you're just staying the same. Probably people today would relate this more to the Cullen vampire books or whatever. Blah, that movie and book was just horrible- not worthy of a cultural reference in the slightest!
I am so bad at typing lately- my fingers have gone wonky. Weird.
Ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.
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| Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
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8:33 pm - I know I shouldn't waste my time, Wishing I'd been better designed
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Things have been good lately. Spring has sprung and it is evident everywhere! Drinks, friends, sunshine, Samuel, longer days, it's all on. Work on the other hand has hit the shitter. It's Sunday night and I couldn't think of anything less appealing then going in to work tomorrow. The main point of contention in the boss three levels above me- I swear he hates me and it really brings me down. I'm not used to being so pedantically disliked by someone and I can't really determine the reasoning behind it. It makes me so depressed. Also, I am in that place again where I constantly feel like I'm going to mess things up. It's just so stressful- I've never been so bad at a job in my life before. Last time this happened I had a holiday and felt heaps better so I am guessing that will be the magical remedy this time around as well. Too bad holiday time is 1 month and 14 days awayyyyy. Lame.
Samuel has been amazing lately. He just makes me laugh so much and daily I'm reminded why I am with him. Our only issue is that we have constant niggly little fights about stupid things and we both become irrational so quickly. But we're both working on examining situations more in-depth before reacting. Eeek it's hard to be human sometimes.
Rugby World Cup is in full swing and it's mattered more to me than I ever could have imagined it would. I've loved watching the games and getting really into the sport. Right now I'm on the outs with my flatmate over practical jokes. I hate practical jokes. I drew a penis on his face with a highlighter last weekend because he came home and threw noodles all over the kitchen. Laaame make it stop. Need to learn more tips from Gossip Girl.
I wish I wasn't always a constant ball of worry.
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2011
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2:21 am
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OMG super drunk. popping some popcorn. watching the hills so basically this is 2k7. I don't know, when was the hills big? just confused about popcorn because everything is so dyi in 3wc NZ. but i do love this new alice woman! she is a good bitch. end scene. might vom soon.
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| Saturday, September 10th, 2011
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2:54 pm
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Just sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon drinking pinot gris alone and reading up on conspiracy theories. popping some popcorn and watching some taped episodes of true life. i do have somewhere to be at 10pm so there is that to mentally prepare for! argh last week at work drinks i was chatting with these 2 girls and then one is like "we're going home now...we're nanas and we can't drink like you!" (which is a bit bs as both of them are about the same age as me) but whatever. then they turn around and start inviting others to go to a bar with them. i'm like, i may be dumb but i'm not blind and deaf- you're still in my earshot! of course being non confrontational i just took a glass of wine to my desk and tried to play the same song on repeat on the mp3 player repeatedly and wrote in my journal. problem-solving! not really, but honestly, if you didn't want me to come with you just say you're going out to dinner or something and you already had plans- don't lie right to my face. that has been depressing me this week. on the bright side, i straightened my hair yesterday and got 5 compliments on it! it reminds me of when i was in high school and i used to count the number of compliments i got each day and called them something lame like "pieces of sunshine" or something. haha
work was fun yesterday though, we decorated our desks and then everyone was taking photos of the decorations and then i was zooming in on everyone's face and sending around the pixelated images of court, etc. i was actually laughing so hard i was crying. i was also rampantly using the phrase "nek minute..." youtube it and then you too can discover what this all means!
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| Friday, September 2nd, 2011
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7:22 pm
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Why is making friends in adult life so hard? Why after finally feeling confident about myself do people still not accept me? Maybe I'm just too weird for most. I try to be nice and caring and show people that I'm both of these things but it always comes off rude I guess. I'll never have any plans. I hate that I'll never really have as good of friendships as I did at University again. I'm probably never going to live in the same places as those people. I'm never going to be able to call them at any hour of the day or night and be able to hang out. I feel like I'll never know anyone in New Zealand like that. My mom says it's because I'm American and maybe people don't "get" me here. Surely I'm not that hard to "get".
Blah. Just feeling down and lonely.
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| Thursday, July 21st, 2011
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10:00 pm - sensitivity chip
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I'm feeling tired but I can;t go to sleep when I'm so busy stalking people's theknot wedding websites. I am actually obsessed with finding out who is married and having babies. Not because I want to do any of that but it's fun to watch people do things and have no consequences from them yourself. I think I'm lacking some female gene which makes me want to be proposed to. I cringe at the thought of being excited about this. Ideally, I would wish for Sam to take me on a Teddy Bear Picnic and then we go get married. And then Leah must come visit so she can be my maid of honour. Then we have a massive party. End scene!
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| Wednesday, July 20th, 2011
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10:48 am
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Argh feeling really homesick lately. If it weren't for being madly in love with Sam and having the visa issues that go along with that I would high tail it back to America right now! Of course I have my job as well, which I love but sometimes I wish it was just easy to go back and have a visit. The bad thing about these thoughts is that they become so romanticized. I imagine going back and seeing all of my friends and having fun and getting settled into life so easily and quickly but that would never be the case. It's just easier not to think about it and get on with life and enjoy my time here. I think I'm getting better at enjoying the right now rather than stressing about what's next. Why is life so easy for everyone but Heather? (and of course Paris Hilton who recently claimed that anything bad that could happen to a person has happened to her..as if! )
OK, back to my enjoying country music and fantasizing sitting in Goodale park with some beers and friends in the sunshine...although that would never happen- I'd have to forgo either the friends or the country music haha
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| Friday, July 15th, 2011
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7:22 pm
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I was feeling very high and mighty today after not drinking last night at our work function. While everyone else was hungover today I was feeling fine. Meh.
Then after work I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. He was going to one of my old coworker's leaving drinks and I debated joining him simply to have a catch up. I said "Well maybe I will join you for one?" He replied, "I'd prefer it if you didn't. It won't be very good for me." I could tell there was something dramatic happening with work for him so I guess fair enough- but it was just a weird thing for someone to say. Probably saved me loads of embarrassment though so I guess in the end I'm grateful.
Then for some reason I called my flatmate as Sam said he was heading out to dinner. I should have known this wouldn't be the quiet affair I was after- as he already had 10 people going with him but then was disappointed that I didn't want to come anymore. Also, one of the guys going I really can't stand. This guy just has a strong personality- but he's more rude than funny (as I tend to think of myself and my extreme personality...) Anyways, he was just trying to wind me up when I got home by saying that he was going to convince Sam to not go out with me later and then he took a scarf and was trying to tie my hands behind my back. I was telling him to stop and asking my flatmates to tell him but they just ignored him. Argh so annoying!
I don't know what all of that was about to be honest...
I've been sick this week so I'm in recovery mode. Hopefully having a bit of a dry patch. I need to sort some life matters out but work is going really well. I actually really enjoy what I'm doing but I'm not sure where I am aiming to go. I need someone to just tell me. Somedays I like being behind the scenes but others I want to be in a more social role. It's all very confusing!
That will do me for now...I hope Sam is home soon as I'm starving...!
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| Saturday, June 4th, 2011
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12:51 am
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omg... my flatmates are having a loud party. good sleep is impossible to come by these days.
I had SUCH a good night until Sam came along and made sure he ruined it for me. That's not a good quality in a lover. wonder why I am always questioning things????????
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2011
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8:59 pm
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Why do teenagers think they know everything? And then learn the cruel truth 7 years later that they knew nothing? I remember telling Ryan at Applebee's that I was ready to start my post-high school life because I was going to be good at being an adult since I was so bad at being a high schooler. He just laughed and said "One day you'll wish you could be in high school" I told him that was crazy talk. But now that seems like a dream- living at home for free, having dinner on the table every night. WTF. Is anyone really good at being an adult? I would think even those who are rolling in cash living in the penthouse fucking models have issues. Everyone seems to have issues. Or maybe everyone is happy and I'm the only one is can't figure out shit from gold? I'd like to think the former and ignore that the latter ever existed.
Actually I take it all back. College was the best time ever. It's like you have only marginal responsibility- it's so easy to get out of everything: work "Hey boss, I've got a huuuge test that I need to study for!" class (don't show up) meetings (see class) and you can just float around getting drunk here and there, move on to the next party, drinks some of their free beer, wake up on someone's couch that you've never seen before, meander home and sleep all day, get in the car and drive to kent go see casey drink his piss, have a sleepover with his room mate, casey never talks to you again, go visit your middle school best friend, get drunk, drive home because you think you rule the world. stay in your room watching L Word for 2 days and then start to feel bad that you haven't been to work or class for a week because you didn't really care. Go see Leah and she'll tell you you're a rock star. and you actually are.
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2011
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11:30 am - I wanna take you back to my house
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I can't stop listening to Kids of 88! I won a trip to their show this past weekend in Akl- they flew us up with the band and then we stayed at Skycity. We missed most of their show because apparently it started at like 8? We got there at 9.30 and heard their last songs. We were having the raddest time with Sean and Phil getting pissed. We had a good night but it ended not good on account of my drunkenness/tiredness/uncertainty about life. So fucking lame.
I felt so negative yesterday. I have the most negative thoughts of anyone I know. Sam is the most positive person ever and I come and rain on his parade. I feel positive today though so let's hope that feeling last for the next 50 years or so. Feels good.
Work. I don't even want to talk about it.
How do people find it so easy to make friends?
I'm addicted to Gossip. I need more more more more.
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| Friday, May 13th, 2011
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10:57 am
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I would like to be more fashionable. I am not a morning person at all- so generally my first thoughts are "I'm grumpy, I'm hungry, how can I con Sam into giving me a ride to work, I need to wear something comfy" This leads to me wearing some shit jeans I got when I was 16 with a T-shirt. Then I get to out of my front door and see so many fashionable Kiwi girls. It's like they don't understand looking like shit out of the house. This was a constant issue in Sydney where I thought backpacker meant you wore jeans and tees for everything- little did I know what a fashion-hub Sydney was. I was constantly feeling self-conscious about my wardrobe. But new clothes were so expensive!
I just need to get rid of 3/4's of my wardrobe- seriously- I still have clothes from when I was 8 years old! (OK- just a tee shirt I got for participating in the Spelling Bee- so not really clothes I wear!!) Then I need to buy investment pieces. Less is more- yes. But to me- an American consumer- more is more! I want 5 of these and I want them all in blue! They are only $3- why wouldn't I buy 5!?
Blargh. I need to be committed. as in to an institution. for mentally crazy and fashion-challenged! Here's to a productive weekend! Do those words even go together?
Blargh Blargh Eff!
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| Thursday, May 12th, 2011
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4:21 pm
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Do you ever feel like life has become monotonous? Maybe you don't being a student again but when you were working were you ever so stuck in a routine Monday - Friday of go to work, come home, eat dinner go to bed, repeat? It's really brain draining. I don't think it's getting me down necessarily but it is making me question if I'm living the right life for me. Does everyone- even happy people- feel this way at some point? Or are people happy because they feel constantly stimulated by new and interesting things. I know that the recommended cures to this feeling are to have a hobby, do new things, etc etc but I just don't know what I'm into. I don't know what I like. I was feeling content with not knowing these things- and partially still do- is that bad? I don't know what career path makes sense to me but I feel this enormous pressure to figure out now before I'm too old and having to be one of those people starting at the bottom at 40. I've never really known what I want to do. I get this weird urge that I want to be a high school guidance counselor. I don't know if this is because this really interests me or because the one on Glee wore such cute outfits? Career issues aside I also have this feeling that I don't know if I want kids. On one hand kids would be fun and it would be nice to have a new distraction after my lover and I have exhausted dinners out, going to the movies, having friends over...I mean what really do you do with your 30's, 40's, and 50's if you don't have children? I guess focus on their career but I don't have a career I'm passionate about! I'm sure that's just the 25-year old in me talking...children feel so far from me! I just can't fathom spending all of my time, energy, and money on this person who doesn't appreciate anything I do! How do people do this?
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| Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
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4:18 pm - No apologies this time
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I love Kickstarts by Example- it reminds me of being on Waiheke with my coworkers. I've changed my attitude to be happier so we'll see if that works. It's good.
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