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Monday, July 11th, 2016
11:50 am
I'm utterly baffled at these times we are living in.  A day doesn't go back that something heart-wrenching seems to happen and I can't help but feel that these times have been lived through before.  I thought we were past these dark days of racial hatred, back alley abortions and radical violence.  Sure, the radical violence part is always going to be something, with guerilla groups always wanting to prove that they can cause more even more harm with the push of a button than their predeccessors, thanks to technology and new inventions that for some reason get into the wrong hands.  What is at the forefront of my mind though is that issues that plagued my parent's generation are coming back out of the woodwork and rearing their ugly heads.  For what?  I grew up in a relatively accepting household, though one of my parents is certainly more accepting of those with differences than the other.  Yet, I feel completely accepting of others regardless of their race, sexual orientation, etc.  Maybe I'm not stoked to be fraternizing with a Trump supporter, but really, thsat must go without saying.  I just feel like I left my house to go on a 7 year holiday in an idyllic locale and have come home to find the place ransacked repeatedly and in complete shambles.  Why is this happening?  And what can be done to stop it from continuing.  Why is it that we are slaves to the NRA and they can go so far as to quash even studies being performed on the effects of gun violence???  I feel powerless.  I know I'm no activist, not one to be on the front lines marching and I kind of hate that about myself.  I'm too apathetic.  My heart breaks for this senseless acts of violence whether you are black or blue or whatever color.  How is this the educated world we live in where we have the technology of the Jetson's future we imagined but the ideals of a 1950's segregated nation?  I want to help.  I want justice.  I want the bad guys to go away forever and not get off lightly with a slap on the wrist for taking the human lives they are employed to protect.  I'm speechless.  

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Wednesday, February 10th, 2016
3:35 pm - Limbo
I'm sick of being stuck in this limbo world that I'm currently in.  I'm trying so hard to stay positive about the whol thing but it's hard.  Feeling like you are literally starting from scratch in a new place really sucks.  I remember laying in bed watching TV in June and thinking that that was one of the last times in 2015 where I would feel truly comfortable and have everything I need at my dispsal.  That was before we sold almost everything we owned, cleaned the fuck out of our house, packed up the few bags we could take, said goodbye to everyone who we have been surrounded by in the last 7 years, and then set off for America.  We got here, planned our wedding, and then just literally hung around my parents' house for 3 months.  I dreaded the whole job hunt and apartment hunt so much that I tried to avoid both for as long as possible.  The new year seemed a good time to tackle those arduous tasks.
Surprisingly, we found a great apt very quickly- everyone made it seem like our situation was just too dire for us to get a place.  So that worked well.  Now, the job hunt is just going nowhere.  A few good leads have popped up, but have since lead to nothing.  I feel panicked and depressed about it.  And I'm not even one of those millenials (Am I even a millenial? idk) who needs instant gratification- I definitely put myself as a patient person.  It's kind of at a point now where I just feel so despondent about the whole thing that motivating myself to do the hunt is too difficult and painful.  Mind you, I've applied for about 60 jobs that are rather niche- it's not like I'm looking to do something that everyone has the skills to do.
I just keep thinking to myself what a mistake this all was...which I hate because I am my choices and I make decisions based on how I'm feeling so second-guessing past Heather really isn't helpful.  How could I have left a place that was so perfect and great?  Sure, NZ was a GREAT place to live and I hope to one day return.  But if I stayed what would I be doing?  I wouldn't have stayed at my job, I couldn't stand it by the end.  Probably helped by the fact that I knew I was going.  I just had to get out.  The only alternative arrangement I regret that I couldn't persue was taking the job as an Account Manager at NZME.  I don't even want to go down the path of thinking that I made the wrong choice.
I'm here, close to my family, living in a city I've dreamed of living in for 10 years.  I'm with Samuel and I'm nearer to most of my friends than I have been in a long time.  I just need to keep reminding myself of what truly matters. 

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Sunday, July 7th, 2013
7:14 pm - Be a part of the Love Club, everything will glow for you
Lately I started thinking of my head as this hotel. So many drifters living there, rent free, taking up space and I wanted them to get out but short of physically lifting them up myself and throwing them on the street, I couldn't get rid of them. Like a seedy hotel that used to be this fabulous place 20 years ago but now people had hung around too long and things became decrepit.

Now, I guess I feel better. I feel like I just want to be as young as I can for as long as possible. Probably going to work tomorrow will change this and bring me back to my hotel of horrors, but for now I'm 25 for a moment, I feel better than ever.

I love this life, but no one in the world fully knows every little bit of me and I kind of don't mind.

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Tuesday, April 30th, 2013
10:25 pm
It seems I only come to you journal when life again is at a standstill. Things let me down, I feel like hope is lost. Again, my path feels uncertain and unflailing. For once I had resigned to my position- I would keep my job, move to Chicago in a year and it would all be fine. And then out of nowhere an opportunity reared its head and I jumped on it, got too excited, apparently shat the interview to shit and in turn, didn't get the job. With every new opportunity I become too excited too soon, rationalize that finally THIS must be the reason all of those other things didn't work out, etc. etc. But no, that occasion never comes.

I need to prove to myself that I'm making something of Heather. She's too good to just be a blip on the radar of life. Maybe I could resign to be more stylish or well kept. Maybe I can learn everything about advertising and make something of myself sooner or later. Ughh. Why won't someone...anyone, just give me a chance? Stink.

But I'll leave this entry positively, as I'm vowing to do with everyday of my life from here on it- count all of my blessings and appreciate how much in my life is great. I have some great friends here in NZ- and some returning soon!- parents and a Samuel that love me, I am in excellent health and have the world at my feet. I am really lucky.

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Wednesday, October 31st, 2012
8:54 pm
i'm just a girl with no chargers of any kind, sad on Halloween. Since when did this holiday lose it's meaning and become just another day in adulthood? Adulthood which isn't exactly fun that's for sure. my heart is bruised.

current mood: listless

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Monday, October 15th, 2012
8:05 pm
Sometimes I just want to shake myself and tell myself to be the best Heather that I can everyday. But then I'm lazy. And I don't do my hair. And I can't be bothered getting dressed. Does anyone else feel like their life is a collection of messes that they make all over and then when the mess gets so bad that you can't clean it up you move on. And that mess is still kind of floating in the proverbial ocean....choking aquatic life, polluting the air...etc. I am in an escaping mood. I just always thought I would be good to someone but it seems I am nothing but a problem and a mess that no one can clean up. I was raised better than this.

At least the stars are bright.

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Sunday, July 8th, 2012
2:44 pm - Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
How do you drown out the noise of the expectations of other people for your life? How do people not constantly compare everything they do to everyone else? I try so hard to put my blinders on and focus on what is important to me, my happiness, my different life track to everyone else but then this pressure creeps in to do everything by the book. Why are you not married yet? Why are you still in an entry-level job? Why do you drink so much? Why do you spend so much time sitting on the couch doing nothing but watching the days melt away? How are some people so content to live with their choices and be happy with what they have and not worry about what they don't? My life is going good. So why do I need to constant reminders that this is the case?

My obsession with drama is keeping me from reaching my full potential.

She was right to take off before she was consumed.....

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Thursday, July 5th, 2012
9:03 pm
Fuck. What the hell.

I wish they told you in school all of the challenges you face in adulthood that you just really can not even fathom. Like how does everyone find it so easy to be normal and well-adjusted and you struggle to keep your head above water everyday? Maybe it's a New Zealand thing, everyone seems liked by everyone else and does the right moves in their board game of life, has all of the right timings, gets somewhere eventually and then there is me. Just stuck in this pit of shit wallowing around trying so hard to make it out, helping others get out but just not really making an progress with myself. It seems like it would be so easy, work hard, make friends, be nice, be helpful, be caring and then people will like you. Be an asshole, a shitty employee, a wierdo and people will not like you. No, basically it's be heather and people won't like you. Be anything else and people will have respect and admiration for you.

Ok, that is extreme. But what the fuck. How do I get ahead in a place that is constantly telling me to be less like myself and more like a boring fucking drone. I don't think I can go back at all now, my reputation is too firmly in place. Can't go up, must go out?

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Monday, June 25th, 2012
4:41 pm
Sometimes I worry if I'm choosing to do the things that are most important to me. I wish that I could live near enough to my family to see them more than once or twice a year. Should I have chosen to stay closer to home? Will I someday regret the time that was missed with my family when they are gone? I'm in no way second guessing my relationship with Samuel or the choices that I've made but I wonder if one is meant to grow and have their own life and move far away or if you are supposed to support those you love the most through their lives? It concerns me sometimes. How much time do we all have left?

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Friday, June 15th, 2012
10:17 pm - Alice is awesome
Fuckkkk. It happened again. I went for a job and didn't get it at TM. This is the fourth time this has happened. I literally have a problem!! The first few times this happened I was like, OK, I have a problem. But now it's like no one has a problem, I just need to find somewhere I do fit. I'm trying so hard to not be negative but it's difficult. I just thought I had this one in the bag. Much like I thought about the last jobs (prop and ads, that is) but this one was actually based on skill and I think I totally had it in the bag until the interview, which maybe I blew because I had a cold and also acted too much like myself. Or maybe it's just this stupid reputation I've built that precedes me. Fuckkkk.

Anyways, I'm also sick at the moment. I'm in Auckland and I spent the whole day just being like "Im over this job and these people, I can't wait for this new challenge" and then...bam. I get an email telling me that I did not get the job. My soul was literally crushed. I felt like my world, yet again, was falling apart.

Alice was awesome and let me hang at her place, eat food, watch TV, be a complainer. She's a good bitch. Someday I'll something, like Al. Yea, that's right, someday I AM GOING TO SOMETHING!!

But in the meantime, Fuck.

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Wednesday, June 13th, 2012
8:46 pm - Little and Friday
Tomorrow I may find out if I get this job that I'm keen for. I'll be upset if I don't get it but a part of me has become somewhat used to not getting jobs so it kind of feels like the norm. If I don't get it, this will be the 4th job that I have unsuccessfully obtained at Trade Me. So I don't know if that is embarrassing or just shows that I'm one for taking rejection well but whatever it means, I guess it is my life and this is how I'm choosing to live it.

Things with Samuel are amazing. Truly amazinggggg. I visited Alice last week, she is my Leah of New Zealand. I just ate an ice cream bar which was a bad life choice and made me feel crappy. End scene. Back to watch Girls.

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Thursday, May 24th, 2012
4:23 pm
I am feeling a bit of melancholy today. Feeling lonely and left out. Unmotivated and not much to do even if I were motivated. There was this work event that me and Court didn't get to go to last year even though everyone else was invited and we were sad and left out. This year Court is going but I'm not. To be fair neither are Steph, Joe and Tamsyn but it was never even really acknowledged. Stink.
Today is Sam and I's 5 year anniversary! This has nothing to do with my feelings of sadness by the way. I'm so happy with him- but he is in Auckland so we aren't doing anything tonight. I had been in a really good place lately so its disappointing that this is my second entry of the year. Future Heather, just know that I'm happy and trying my best to enjoy the youth while I still have it. Some of it anyways. I have strongly come to understand how much time goes so quickly and you wake up and wonder if you have savored it the best you could. You try to remember ever second of everyday but you just can't. And you try so hard that you make yourself unable to remember any memory. You wonder what you can do to make your life more full and memorable. How can we slow time down?
What is life but a collection of memories and soon you are erased from existence along with those memories. Why does this all happen? What are we trying to achieve? Lately I have been feeling so small, like I'm in the bottom of The Grand Canyon and I need to climb my way up and out but literally have no idea how to even begin.
I don't know, musings on a lonely Autumn Thursday afternoon.

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Tuesday, January 10th, 2012
6:50 pm
I've been going online to write this entry for a few days now. But any time I had something I wanted to say it suddenly sounded fleeting or unimportant. It was as though I only had one chance to state my peace and if I fucked it up then it would all be a disaster. Kind of ridiculous. You wouldn't believe how many tweets and facebook posts I write and then delete before posting- it's like my words could possibly not be important enough to share. Or maybe I have a sudden fear of the internet- that people will know too much and that everything I post will be there forever in a sense.

Anyways, I was just sitting in bed, in our newly arranged room and thinking back about the last few years. Talking to Leah today I realised that I feel in the exact same place that I did just over a year ago on New Year's Eve. We went outside for some air and I broke down my entire life and how I felt about things- I wanted answers. Of course Leah can't give me answers- when you're an adult you don't get directions or an itinerary of how things should be done, you just get encouraging words. Encouraging words don't help the indecisive...I guess that in the way that I am still in the same house, job, situation, etc it is true but I've just come to the strange realisation of how grownup I've become inside my head.

I feel more sympathy for others, more lee way for people wanting to live their lives differently to mine. I feel less judgmental of the choices others make. I feel like I can finally take responsibility for my actions and try my best to make them right- instead of the former of course, which was to make up excuses and lie through my teeth. I just want to be a good contributing member of society. How boring is that?!

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Monday, December 5th, 2011
9:28 pm
I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to be happy to "be" for a while. I'm going to not think about what is next, not be concerned about missed opportunities- just go to work, do my job, and not give it a single thought once I've left. Oh if only my relaxed evening self could knock some serious sense into my morning self- blargh.....

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Friday, December 2nd, 2011
10:04 am
How many quarter life crises can one lifetime endure?

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Monday, November 14th, 2011
6:35 pm - I've still got miles to go
I love the passage of time- sometimes it feels like all I have to go on. That things will continue to change, there will be new opportunities to take advantage of, new people will go in and out of my life, new places will be discovered, and new experiences will happen. I know I've visited this topic many times before, worrying that I'm willing my life away always waiting to see what will happen next, but it just is a comforting thing to me. To know that when I'm feeling down things can only go up.
We're going to Florida this week and I'm excited that I'll be a new, relaxed person when I get back. 2012 will be my year. If not 2012 then maybe 2013. Blah.

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Thursday, November 10th, 2011
2:21 pm - Where to go from here?
I've just found out that I did not get a job that I've been wanting for the better part of this year. This news has come as a bit of a surprise to me and now I feel a bit lost as to what comes next. As most of you may know, I'm a real planner. I like to have things to look forward to and be aware of what is coming next. So the fact that this is an unexpected turn in the plan of my life has come as a bit of a shock to me. Of course I'm not completely against things not going according to plan- the basis of my life today is thanks to things not going according to plan so I'm not entirely giving up on life or anything. It's just that it seemed in this case things would be much easier if all had worked out.

I'm trying to remind myself as well that throughout my life I have been blessed with great jobs, so hopefully my luck is not beginning to change. And as well, it seems, things have just happened without too much work or sacrifice on my part. Although my parents would agree as they have always found me to be hardworking, I think unless I were running 10 KMs uphill I would not see things as being difficult. Or studying organic chemistry. Or reading a book written in Russian. Blah.

What am I going on about? I guess when these minor speed bumps happen I tone things down a bit, focus more clearly on things and become a good person for a while. Then slowly I slip back into being the usual Heather that everyone likes to laugh at and not hire and the vicious cycle starts again. Where will it take me this time?

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Friday, October 7th, 2011
9:31 pm - Just kiss me before I go
Everything is falling into place and life is going ridiculously well. How did I get so lucky?
I'm listening to Nightingale by Saves the Day on repeat. I did this as well on Sam's birthday after everyone had gone into town and I reflected on the insanity of the night and I laughed to myself and felt like I was in a new place that was safe and hilarious and amazing. I felt so warm and fuzzy and as though the feeling would never leave.
My new friend Alice went home for the weekend which makes me jealous. I wish I could just pop home for a few days like I used to...arrive home in the evening, play cards with my Dad and drink many wines, himself moving onto some cheap straight liquor from a plastic bottle. Then going in my pink room and exploring all of the relics from my past, staying up much later than I should sitting in the glow. I miss those times, they felt so comfy. Sad that everyone has to grow up and move on. What if we could live in one life stage forever? I guess the point of life is growing and moving on and making something of your life- but why do we have to? I suppose if you didn't you'd be stuck in Tuck Everlasting- everyone else is growing and moving on and you're just staying the same. Probably people today would relate this more to the Cullen vampire books or whatever. Blah, that movie and book was just horrible- not worthy of a cultural reference in the slightest!

I am so bad at typing lately- my fingers have gone wonky. Weird.

Ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.

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Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
8:33 pm - I know I shouldn't waste my time, Wishing I'd been better designed
Things have been good lately. Spring has sprung and it is evident everywhere! Drinks, friends, sunshine, Samuel, longer days, it's all on. Work on the other hand has hit the shitter. It's Sunday night and I couldn't think of anything less appealing then going in to work tomorrow. The main point of contention in the boss three levels above me- I swear he hates me and it really brings me down. I'm not used to being so pedantically disliked by someone and I can't really determine the reasoning behind it. It makes me so depressed. Also, I am in that place again where I constantly feel like I'm going to mess things up. It's just so stressful- I've never been so bad at a job in my life before. Last time this happened I had a holiday and felt heaps better so I am guessing that will be the magical remedy this time around as well. Too bad holiday time is 1 month and 14 days awayyyyy. Lame.

Samuel has been amazing lately. He just makes me laugh so much and daily I'm reminded why I am with him. Our only issue is that we have constant niggly little fights about stupid things and we both become irrational so quickly. But we're both working on examining situations more in-depth before reacting. Eeek it's hard to be human sometimes.

Rugby World Cup is in full swing and it's mattered more to me than I ever could have imagined it would. I've loved watching the games and getting really into the sport. Right now I'm on the outs with my flatmate over practical jokes. I hate practical jokes. I drew a penis on his face with a highlighter last weekend because he came home and threw noodles all over the kitchen. Laaame make it stop. Need to learn more tips from Gossip Girl.

I wish I wasn't always a constant ball of worry.

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Saturday, September 17th, 2011
2:21 am
OMG super drunk. popping some popcorn. watching the hills so basically this is 2k7. I don't know, when was the hills big? just confused about popcorn because everything is so dyi in 3wc NZ. but i do love this new alice woman! she is a good bitch. end scene. might vom soon.

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